NaNo Nervous?

I am feeling increasingly nervous about writing a novel of 50,000 or more words for NanoWriMo in November. I have shit for brains. I know it.

I have written over 200,000 words this year in an ongoing story in three free-standing parts. None of these parts is under 50,000 words. I have twice this year written a single one of those three free-standing parts in a month. I have proven that, left to my own devices, for no more reason than I like to write a story, I can write a 50,000 word story in a month.

However, when I signed up on a website to write a 50,000 word novel along with a group of a few thousand strangers on the internet, I started to panic. I did not even sign up to show them the words I write. I just signed up to write them. The fact that I have proven to myself that I can do it became irrelevant in the face of this horror. I have shrieked and rent my garments and yelled and drooled.

Why, oh WHY, my God? Why have you done this to me?

Sadly, I can only blame God in my irrational dreams. God did not do it. I did.

The question is really not “Why did I do this to myself?”  It is “What did I do to cause this panic in my very breast?”

After taking a valium or three, I sat down to tease that one out. I petted the cat. I scrounged for candy corn. I cruised some forums. I chatted on Skype with a friend. I cleaned the toilet. I did anything I could find handy to do that did not include thinking about it.

Why? Because I do not need to think about it. I already know. I just do not want myself to know. It feels silly.

Hey me, the one chewing on her thumbnail there, suck it up. Spill.

Novel. That’s the problem. NaNo calls it a novel.

Whoa! The power of one little word. Think what you could do with 50,000 of them strung together.

So I have decided that I will not write a novel for NaNoWriMo. I will write a lengthy work of fiction that is 50,000 words or more for NaNoWriMo. I should probably sign up for the rebels forum now.

It is a damned good thing I do not write for a living. The first time an agent said the word novel I would have a stroke and be unable to put two sentences together for the project. I would starve.

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